They Don't Make TV Series For Kids Nowadays Like This/ 1.The Feathered Serpent/2. Catweazle/3.Ace Of Wands/4.THE GHOSTS OF MOTLEY HALL/ 5. TIMESLIP

Sam is working on the tractor at the farm when George walks over carrying a piece of paper, Carrot's bit of paper.
G " what do you make of that Sam"
S " erm..well it's runners and riders innit "
G " I found it by the television "
S " thanks boss"
G " just a minute, that is Carrot's writing "
S ( incredulous) " is it?!"
G " you know it is , you turning him into a punter Sam?"
S " no ! It's just that sometimes he helps me out when I can't get to the phone "
G " good lord! He'll be hanging round betting shops next....where is he?"
S " don't know boss"
G " I think I'll just pop into Westbourne "
George gets in the jeep and drives off.

Catweazle and Carrot are outside the bookmakers shop,
Ct " wait here"
Carrot goes in, Catweazle notices a sticker on the door advertising Madam Rosa's parlour, he can't read but recognises the pentagram logo and the arrow on the advert pointing to the next shop, he wanders off.

Inside the bookies Albert looks disapprovingly at Carrot.
Al " no one under 18 in here son, hop it"
Ct " it's just that I've got a foreign friend outside and he doesn't speak much English "
Al " is he over 18?"
Ct " oh yeah well over "
Al " okay, write down what he wants outside then send him in with it"
Ct " yeah okay "
Carrot leaves, there's no sign of Catweazle but instead, standing by the jeep is George.
G " well Carrot?"

Catweazle enters the parlour, Madam Rosa is understandably disconcerted by the sight walking towards her.
MR " yes dear"
C " horse and hattock " #
MR " beg your pardon "
C " has thou the eye of time?"
MR " oh ..(looking at watch)..it's just after 3.20. If you want a sitting that'll be 7 shillings and 6 pence"
C " 7 and 6 makes 13!"
Catweazle comes up to the table and stares at the crystal ball.
C " a giant scrying glass like a full moon, I feel it's power"
MR " my crystal ball, yes I don't know what I'd do without it. Some people do it with tea leaves but I think that's very messy. I prefer the crystal ball it's far more artistic, do sit down "
The parrot chimes in with,
Pt " 6 to 4 the field they're off"
MR " now Laura be a good girl "
C " 'tis thine"
MR " oh yes I've had Laura for years"
Pt" shut up Laura"
C " tis a demon "
MR " yes you're right she can be a demon at times but she has a heart of gold, haven't you angel...shall we get started "
Catweazle sits , the crystal ball in the centre of the table.
MR " now I would like to hold a personal possession of yours. It helps with the vibrations it can be any familiar object "
C " ah...familiar..it is here"
Catweazle takes his toad Touchwood out of pocket and places it on Madam Rosa's outstretched hand.
MR " AARRGGHH "

# a cry fairies make when invoked to leave a place- ancient Scottish folk law.

S1 E6 - THE MAGIC FACE

Carrot and Catweazle are in the ruins of a cottage about a mile from Hexwood Farm, Carrot's home. The cottage is dilapidated with no glass in any of the windows and the downstairs piled high with junk. Catweazle has a mailbag that he's filling up with rubbish that seems to interest him, much to Carrot's puzzlement.
Ct " hurry up, they'll be here soon. We'll get caught, what do you want with all that junk for anyway"
Catweazle picks up a roller skate and is amused by it.
C " see, a chariot for my minion Touchwood "
He takes his pet toad out of his pocket ,
C " Touchwood, thy own chariot, ha ha"
Ct " come on let's go"
C ( noticing battered suitcase) " what's this?"
Ct " you don't want that, it's falling to bits"
C " what is it?"
Ct " a suitcase, you know for travelling "
C ( in awe) " for travelling, back to my own time mayhaps "
Ct " come on , they'll be here any minute now, dad and Mrs Derringer "
A hundred yards away, Carrot's father George Bennett leads Mrs Derringer an American author and photographer, and her English assistant Maud into a clearing in the woods and stop to view the cottage.
GB " there it is"
ED " it's just simply lovely Mr Bennett "
Eleanor Derringer gets her professional looking camera and starts snapping away.
Inside the cottage,
Ct " crumbs, they're here, quick Catweazle lets go"
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle

Carrot leaves out the back of the cottage, Catweazle follows carrying his bag of junk , but momentarily pokes his head out of the glassless window.
Eleanor stops taking pictures,
E " did you see him"
Maud " who"
E " there's someone in that house "
George " are you sure"
E " yeah"
G " I'll take a look"
E " did you see him Maud"
M (sighs) " no Eleanor "
G " probably just a tramp "
Eleanor and Maud are an odd couple, not exactly friends, more an employer/ employee relationship, with Maud having to put up with Eleanor and her brash big mouth ways.
G " the place has been empty for years you see so tramps tend to move in"
E " is there a room in there I can use for d and p"
G" d and p?"
M " developing and printing "
G " Mrs. Derringer before you get carried away I really think you should look inside"
E " sure"
They all walk into the cottage.
Marcella Markham and Zulema Dene are Eleanor and Maud.

Carrot and Catweazle are walking through the woods ,Catweazle head shaking muttering to himself.
C" oh....people!"
Ct " what's wrong with people "
C " they make my head buzz "
Ct " only because you're not used to them "
C " no, and do not want to be"
Ct " you're used to me though, so what do you think of me?"
C (puzzled) " think of you? But you are there"
Ct " yes but when I'm not there"
C " then I don't think of you"
Ct " you're alone too much, it's not good to be alone "
C " I lived alone in my own time "
Ct " this is you're own time, can't you see that, here and now "
C " here and now is where I am, there and then I want to be"
Ct " but it's a dream Catweazle "
C ( angry) " Nay Nettleface!! This is the dream, and I hope to wake"

Eleanor and Maud live in a huge mansion, it's rented for the summer, belongs to a Sir Henry, abroad this time of year. Maud is outside washing down their car, a two seater open top sports car, Eleanor is in the dark room developing her pictures of the cottage. In one of them is Catweazle , head sticking out of the window.
E ( shouts) " Maud!"
M." What is it"
E " It's him"
M " what's him"
E " I've found him, come and see"
Maud wearily throws down the cleaning cloth and trudges into the house, her employer calling.....again "
Eleanor shows her the photo.
E " it's him Maud, the strange old man with the marvellous face. Right there in the window. Isn't that the greatest face you ever saw. We must remember to take a print with us when we see Mr Bennett. I have a hunch that boy of his knows him.

Carrot is in the farmyard at his dad's farm, his home, he is talking to farmhand Sam who is working on their tractor, named Lulu, which has broken down again.
Sam loves F1 motor racing,
S " in France they average over 100, but in Zandfort that's in the Netherlands, it's about 95"
Ct " 95, is that all"
S " yeah, well it's road holding that counts there more than speed"
Ct " bet you'd like to have a go Sam"
S " sure would, oh well I'm stuck here with Lulu"
A car approaching can be heard "
S " hear that Carrot, sounds like a TR6"
Eleanor and Maud drive in ,Eleanor driving.
S " what did I tell you"
Carrot goes over to greet them.
E " Edward isn't it, missed you at the cottage this morning "
Ct " I know "
E " come to see your Pa"
Ct " yes he's expecting you" Carrot looks admiringly at car.
Ct " really super "
E " like it?"
Ct " it's great"
E " guess what"
Eleanor hands Carrot her cottage photos. Carrot glances through them , and stops at the one with Catweazle in it.

 

E " something wrong?"
Ct " ...er no"
E " who is he?"
Ct " I..I..don't know, I think he's a hermit"
E " a hermit! That's wonderful, do you think you can find him for me?"
Ct " find him?"
E " his face, I must have his face. Would he pose?"
Ct " pose?"
E " I want to take some pictures for my new book"
Ct " ..er..I don't think he'd like that very much"
Sam has wondered over, Carrot knows Sam has spotted Catweazle a few times around the farm and Carrot has denied knowing him, he doesn't want Sam seeing the photo.
Ct " anything you want Sam?"
S " er..no Carrot"
Sam goes back to Lulu the tractor.
E " can you track him down for me"
Ct ....but but..Mrs Derringer "
E " take the photos, show him , they'll help to explain. Tell him I'll be waiting for him anytime "
Eleanor and Maud enter the farmhouse, Sam comes over.
S " what's all that about?"
Ct " nothing "
S " what have you got there "
Ct " just some photos of the cottage "
S " let's have a look"
Ct "I've got to go Sam"
Carrot runs off leaving Sam a bit perplexed.
Bud Tingwell is George Bennett

Neil McCarthy is Sam.

Carrot stands at the foot of the tower, named by Catweazle as Castle Saburac, he whistles then climbs up. Catweazle opens the hatch on top and sticks his head out, angry at Carrot whistling for him.
C " you will spoil everything "
Ct " so will you, look at this."

Catweazle sees the photo and screams and crashes down inside the the tank. Carrot climbs down inside.
C " come no nearer I command thee"
Ct " it's all your fault collecting rubbish "
Catweazle agitated in the extreme,
C " I am lost, lost ......doomed doomed Catweazle "
Ct " what's the matter now"
C " thy cunning treacherous fox. Thy knowest thou has my face my image. I must obey thy every command "
Ct "you mean you think anyone that's got a picture of you can make you do anything they like"
C " see I am in your hands "
Ct " oh ...you better have yourself back then"
Carrot hand Catweazle the photos.
C " ah thank you"
Catweazle tears up photos.
Ct " what are you doing "
C " I am free"
Ct " you silly old idiot, that's no good, Mrs Derringer has the negative "
C " negative?"
Ct " the original, the first one , she can make as many copies of that picture as she likes"
C ( glumly) " then I must go to her. Come Touchwood ( picks up toad) if she has my image then I am her slave"
Ct " course you're not, she's only a photographer. You can't go, anyway how will you find her?"
C " how does the rabbit find the snare"
Catweazle climbs up to hatch dejectedly.

Eleanor and Maud leave farm, George sees them back to the car.
G " I'll let you know when the contracts have been drawn up "
E " a real English cottage, I'm so thrilled, aren't you thrilled too Maud"
M ( sighs) " yeah, thrilled "
A little later Catweazle comes to the road running through the middle of the woods. He stands there looking glum and accepting his fate. Eleanor and Maud drive along road.
E " I don't believe it it's him"
M." I don't like the look of him"
E " don't be a fool Maud he's a real find"
M " I think you're making a great mistake "
The car stops, Eleanor all smiles,
E " hello there, you got my message "
C " I am yours"
E " how very old world "
Carrot is standing just behind Catweazle.
E " I've been looking forward to this, thanks for sending your friend along Edward "
Ct " that's alright "
E " I am just mad about his face"
C " demand me anything "
E " oh how charming. Do hop on the back"
Catweazle clambers onto car , it's a two seater so he lays across back of car. Eleanor slowly drives off , Carrot runs back to the farm to get his bike.

Eleanor and Maud take photos of Catweazle in the living room at their rented mansion. Poor Catweazle flinching as each photo is taken.
E " try not to flinch , it's only electronic flash. Let's have one of you smiling "
Catweazle tries to smile as the photo session goes on.
E " watch the birdie "
A little later they all sit on the settees, cups of tea laid out on the table, a chocolate cake on a plate.
E "I've been after you for since I first saw you, you've haunted me, and now I've laid your ghost as it were "
Catweazle looks at photos pinned up on a wooden easel like board, full of sadness in his face.
Maud is sniffing, her face showing her distaste for the smell emanating from Catweazle.
E " Maud you really should do something about your hayfever. And pour a little more milk for er....er.."
Touchwood the toad is on the table, Maud pours it a saucer of milk.
E " I haven't even asked you your name, what is it?"
C " what?"
E " your name "
C " Catweazle "
E " oh really, just Catweazle? (pointing at photos) I really think I've caught you haven't I "
C " aye"
E " Edward says you're a bit of a recluse. Here have some cake"
She offers the plate of chocolate cake , Catweazle takes takes it, looks disgustingly at it.
E " isn't it okay?"
C " I will obey thee"
E ( to Maud) " I think the old boy's a little deaf"
Catweazle bites into cake, actually it's not bad he scoffs it down, chocolate and cream over his face.

Catweazle with Touchwood on his palm looks at photos almost whimpering.

Eleanor and Maud in the kitchen.
M " I think you've taken leave of your senses Eleanor "
E " whyever not if he really wants to help around the place . He seems such a dear, very eccentric of course, and isn't he sweet with that frog"
M " toad"
E " alright toad"
M " I think it's disgusting, if you ask me I think you're crazy to trust him"
E " he could do all sorts of things, might even help in the darkroom eventually, and he can sleep in Sir Henry's summer house "
They both go back to Catweazle.
E " well Mr Catweazle we've talked it over and I'm sure we can find plenty for you to do if you really want to help "
C " I am your slave "
E " oh that's so flattering isn't it Maud"
M " I suppose so, he never says anything else "
E " we'll have to pay you of course, what do you think will be fair?"
C " command me, I will obey"
E " you make me feel like Aladdin. How about two shillings an hour?" ( about £1.50 today)
Catweazle nods,
E " okay that's settled, now what is the first thing you could be doing"

Carrot arrives at Mansion, he parks his bike around the side of the house, then pokes his head around the corner of the wall spying the front entrance. Eleanor, Maud and Catweazle come out, Catweazle carrying bucket of water. Eleanor points to car, Catweazle nods, she and Maud walk away to rear of house with their photographic equipment. Catweazle trudges up to car, stares at it , not knowing what to do. He then throws cloth onto front seat, then pours water into car, all over front seats, and then throws bucket on to the ground.
Carrot walks over.
Ct " what are you doing?"
C " spare yourself my brother, she has the enchanting box"
Ct " Catweazle you've got to stop acting like an idiot and pull yourself together "
C " I can't the hag has torn me apart "
Ct " eh?"
C " in many parts , pinned to the wall"
Ct " just because you've been photographed doesn't mean she owns you"
C " fly brother while there is still time"
Ct " if those photographs are worrying you why don't you just go in and get them "
C " I can do nothing I am a fly caught in her web"
Ct " alright I will, will that free you from her power?"
C " I know not"
Ct " you're useless Catweazle, absolutely useless "
C " aye"
Ct " listen, you keep a lookout while I'm in there, if it looks like they're coming back, press this here "
Carrot points to car horn button on steering
wheel.

In living room Carrot goes up to photo board. He unpins each one, and takes the negatives that Eleanor also pinned to the board.
Outside Catweazle looks at horn button, puzzled by it, if he presses it Carrot will come out, how so ? A puzzle to him..curiosity gets the better of him...he presses it. The horn blares out, Catweazle puts fingers in ears, the noise won't stop .
Carrot hearing this panics, he runs out, knocking easel over, it crashes into table sending crockery everywhere.
Outside he thrusts photos into Catweazle's hands,
Ct " go go run ....you're free"
Catweazle runs off, the horn continues its blaring racket. Carrot gets out pen knife and sticks it into car horn button as Eleanor and Maud run up.
E " Edward what's happening "
Ct " car horn got stuck"
E " where's Mr Catweazle?"
Ct " oh ...er.. he's gone "
Maud looks shocked,
M " my prints!"
She runs into house,
E " gone where?"
Ct " he didn't say"
A scream is heard from inside house ,Maud runs back out.
E " what's happened "
M " I said he was mad, he's smashed the place up, taken my prints"
E " let's get after him"
M " he's dangerous Eleanor "
E " it's gonna take more than one crazy old man to scare me"
They get in car, and splosh into seats, and get very wet backsides.
M " aaarrrghhh......Eleanor !!"
E " stop moaning Maud"

They drive off. Catweazle meanwhile is running for dear life down road, he hears car and quickly runs behind tree, Eleanor and Maud drive passed. Catweazle foolishly steps back into road and sees car driving away and sticks tongue out at them.
Eleanor slams on the brakes.
E " it's him , I saw him in the mirror "
She reverses car and sees Catweazle running away through woods.
M " if you think I'm going into those woods after him you're as crazy as he is Eleanor "
Carrot turns up on bike,
Ct " where is he?"
E ( angry) " he's gone into the woods and I'm going to get your Pa". They drive off.

 

Catweazle has arrived at Castle Saburac, his water tank home, he has photos in hand. He rips them up saying as he does,
C " good ridden thy midden, hag turn about, thus I thee rout. ( waving arms) SHEM PAMPARASH "
At that precise moment a tyre bursts on Eleanor's car. Magic or coincidence?
Catweazle climbs up into tank muttering.
C " I am hunted, used and abused"
He takes Touchwood out of his pocket and stares at toad.
C " we must return to our own time, I will not desert thee my trusted minion. Come I will prepare the magic"
Inside tank Catweazle stands by fire saying some incantation.
C "spirits of Earth Air Fire and Water bear me hence from this place. Salmy Dalmy Adonay"
He throws a handful of powder into fire , the flames roar higher.
Meanwhile Maud is replacing tyre on Eleanor's car, she jacks car up while Eleanor arms crossed watches doing nothing to help.
E " you're so slow Maud!"

 

 

 

Maud looks daggers at her boss, but carries on regardless, Maud must be paid well to put up with this bossiness.
Carrot bicycles up to Castle Saburac and climbs ladder into tank. Of Catweazle there is no sign.


What has happened to Catweazle? To be continued next episode.

THE END 

S1 E7 - THE TELLING BONE

A dispirited Carrot climbs into Catweazle's water tank home of Castle Saburac, no sign of him since he mysteriously vanished after the Mrs Derringer escapade ( s01e06).
Ct " Catweazle? I know you're somewhere"
( Robin Davies is Carrot)

Meanwhile at Hexwood Farm George and Sam are busy unloading bags of grain from jeep.
G " Carrot's disappeared again, don't know where he gets to"
S " he said he'd be back for supper"
G " I wish some other boys lived near"
S " oh I reckon he's happy enough on his own"
G " he's been very odd since tea"
S " oh kids are funny you know, they don't tell you much "
Bud Tingwell and Neil McCarthy are George and Sam.

Carrot in Castle Saburac;
Ct " you may not be here in Castle Saburac but you've got to be somewhere. I mean you can't have magiced yourself into the past. Bet you get the spell wrong anyway"
Catweazle sure did get it wrong, he is clinging for dear life on top of a church spire.
C" NOTHING WORKS "
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.

A crowd has gathered below in the churchyard, the vicar turns up.
V " stand back..he might be going to jump"
Wilkins the vicarage gardener is at the head of the crowd.
W " he's not going to jump, it's one of those publicity stunts if you ask me"
V ( curtly) " Wilkins?!
W " next thing one of them helicopters will come and drop down packets of cornflakes "
V " that's enough, I'm going up , get a ladder"
W " I'll get the police "
V " you'll do no such thing, the man is on my spire, I shall deal with it. ( shouting up)..don't do anything foolish, we can talk this over. I'm coming up, whatever you do don't jump"
Brian Wilde is the vicar, Harry Hutchinson is Wilkins.

At Hexwood George takes a quizzical look at Sam's new car, a vintage banger parked in the yard.
G " are you sure that things legal?"
S " I paid £100 for her"
G " they must have seen you coming "
S " she's a jolly good little runner. She'll do 40 down Longview Hill"
G " you can do 40 down Longview Hill in a wheelbarrow "

At the church the Vicar and Wilkins are on the roof, a ladder up against the spire, the Vicar halfway up it, Wilkins holding it...sort of.

V " is it trouble with the police? Or financial difficulties?"
Catweazle shakes head,
V " whatever the problem is it can be solved "
The ladder wobbles,
V ( to Wilkins) " hold it firm you fool"
W " it's no good trying to shift him Vicar, he's made up his mind to be awkward "
C ( shouts) "salmy dalmy adonay let me fly let me fly"
V " I really would advise against any attempt to fly"
C " viniti vinitus spiritus "
V " oh..ve vimus ve vimus...I mean where there's life there's hope old chap. If you would come down onto terra firma things may look different, I mean nil desperandum old chap "
Catweazle perks up hearing Latin,
C " does thou follow the path?"
V " well I try to, narrow though it is "
C " I have failed "
V " oh we all do, sometimes though it can be a blessing in disguise. ( to Wilkins) keep it still it's wobbling "
C " art thou my brother?"
V " oh yes of course "
C " will thou show me thy book?"
V " gladly, I'll give you a copy"
C " then I will descend "
V " thank goodness for that "

At Hexwood,
G " if you want to get going Sam"
S " thanks boss "
George walks off, Sam tries to start motor, it won't start ,
S " you would wouldn't you "
Sam gets out carrying starting handle when Carrot turns up on bike, he is looking glum.
Ct " trouble Sam?"
S " no no she's running perfect, just a bit cold that's all"
Ct " won't she start?"
S " no!"
Ct " need a push?"
S " no thanks Carrot, she ought to start on her own, can't keep pushing her. Where have you been anyway, your Dad's been after you, been to the woods again?"
Ct " yeah"
S " still playing at your magic"
Ct ( sadly) " no Sam not anymore "
S " never mind, cheer up old son, give me a hand here "
Ct " will it take long?"
S " no, only a couple of minutes "
Ct " alright "

At the vicarage Catweazle is shown in and offered seat by vicar.
V " come in, sit down, ah...not there that's Shirley Temple's, don't know where she's got to, went out half an hour ago with Spencer Tracey....ah talk of the devil"
C " which devil?!
The vicar points to a tabby cat on armchair, he picks it up.
V( strokes cat) " puss puss puss ...there's Laurel and Hardy over there ( points to more cats sitting on a foot rest)"
C " what is this place?"
V " my Bishop calls it Hollywood. Not really a cats home, they just sort of gravitate to the vicarage like magic"
C " cats bring magic"
V " and they're so glamorous aren't they, hence the names. Do sit down "
Catweazle sits opposite the Vicar.
V " now let's hear all about your troubles "
C " I too have a familiar spirit, ( takes out toad) see."

V " I say a splendid chap isn't he, how long have you had him?"
C " 900 years, I invoked the spirits "
V " er...did you "
C " but it was in vain, I flew not back in time, but sideways to thy tower"
V ( humouring) " what a disappointment for you. Where did this journey begin?"
C " by the farm at Hexwood "
V " ah Hexwood by Westbourne, do you work there?"
C "no I work at Castle Saburac "
V " Castle Saburac? I thought I knew all the villages round here, (looks through telephone book) I really must find out who you belong to"

Back at Hexwood Sam is on his back underneath the car, Carrot looks on,
S " three quarter inch spanner"
Carrot hands spanner,
S " not that one, the ring spanner. A pity I was going to take you for a spin this afternoon. How about it eh? When I get her going"
Ct " sure, I better go tell Dad I'm back"

V ( looking at book) " ah here it is, Hexwood Farm, George Bennett 5839"
At Hexwood the phone in the hall rings, Carrot answers it.
Ct " hello"
V ( phone) " hello "
Catweazle assumes he is being spoken to,
C " hello"
V ( to catw) " sshh..( phone) ..who is that speaking?"
C " tis I "
Ct " ( phone)" Hexwood Farm "
V " could I speak to Mr Bennett "
C " I know not "
V ( to catw) "ssshh.( phone)..my name is Potts"
C " ssshhh..my name is Catweazle "
V " will you be quiet!..( phone) ..sorry I didn't mean you, I'm the vicar at Bandon "
C " and I am Catweazle "
Ct " hold on a minute..( calling)..Dad."
V ( to catw) " he's gone to get him"
Catweazle approaches cautiously he is beginning to realise he's not being addressed .
At Hexwood George takes phone, Carrot listening.
G " George Bennett here"
V " ah hello Mr Bennett, this is the vicar at Bandon I wonder if you could help me"
No, Catweazle hasn't quite realised yet, and chimes in ,
C " ask me anything my brother "
V ( phone) "I've got a man here with me, he's out of his mind"
Catweazle spins around, he can't see anyone !!
G ( phone) " what's that, you'll have to speak up"
V " it's very difficult he's here in the room with me"
Catweazle gets his witch knife out,
C " oh invisible demon, I bid thee appear "
V " put that knife away "
G " is he attacking you!?"
V " no no I think he's harmless "
C " oh if he's a friendly demon all is well"
G " who is he?"
V " well he is an old man"
G " what old man"
V " is there a village or hamlet near you called Castle Saburac?"
G ( puzzled) " Castle Saburac?"
Carrot smiles..
G " not round here"
V " are you sure, he says he comes from near your farm, I was hoping you could identify him"
Catweazle at last twigs,
C " why speakest thou to that bone?"
V " phone not bone"
G ( to Carrot) " I think they're both mad "
V " the man needs help"
Catweazle grabs phone,
C( phone) " if thou art a demon I will destroy thee"
Vicar grabs phone back,
V " sorry about that "
G " look vicar, we'll soon get this sorted out, Bandon you say"
V " that's right thank you "
The barmy phone call ends, George turns to Carrot.
G " he says there's an old chap who knows me or something and that he's gone potty. I suppose I better go round and see what it's all about"
Ct ( enthusiastically) " now?"
G " well hold on, I can't go in my work clothes, I'll get changed "
George goes upstairs.

A little while later Sam stops at a cottage, his home, his mother opens front door.
Mrs W" where are you off to?"
S " Bandon mother"
Mrs W " what for?"
S " taking Mr Bennett's boy to look at the church "
Mrs W " I'll get my coat"
S ( desperately ) " you don't have to come mother "
Sam gets out muttering,
S " can't do a thing with her, she always has to come"
Mrs Woodyard walks up path to car.
Mrs W " time you weeded this path"
S " yes Mother "
Sam tries to help her into car, she brushes him away,
Mrs W " I ain't one of your fancy girls, hello Edward "
Ct "hello Mrs Woodyard " , and then Carrot pulls a face behind her back.
S " keep your fingers crossed "
Ct " fingers crossed "
The car starts fine,
Mrs W " not too fast Sam"
S " no mother "
Hazel Croppen is Mrs Woodyard.

Sam and Carrot arrive at the church, Mrs Woodyard still asleep. Sam and Carrot talk quietly,
S " how long you going to be Carrot?"
Ct " about ten minutes, why don't you go to the pub"
S " sounds like a good idea, I'll see you back here"
Sam leaves, Carrot sees the gardener Wilkins.
Ct " which way to the vicarage?"
W " straight up the path to your right"
Ct " thanks "

Carrot runs up path to vicarage, then decides to quietly sneak around to side of house, spying through a window he sees Catweazle and Potts ( vicar) in animated conversation.
Carrot runs back to car and wakes up Mrs Woodyard.
Ct " Mrs Woodyard Mrs Woodyard"
Mrs W ( wakes) " what's the matter "
Ct " where's Sam?"
Mrs W " why, isn't he with you"
Ct " I thought he'd be back by now"
Mrs W " why , where's he gone"
Ct " the vicarage "
Mrs W " what's he gone there for?"
Ct " don't know...said he had to see the vicar to arrange things "
Mrs W " WHAT...MY SAM..did he have a young woman with him?"
Ct " don't know, didn't see one"
Mrs W " I'll put a stop to this "
Mrs Woodyard marches determinedly up to vicarage, Carrot waits then runs back to side of house to see Catweazle and Potts arguing.
C " give me the secret of the telling bone thy simpering sagpot "
VP " you're getting worked up again "
C " thy black beehive!"
The doorbell rings, Potts quickly runs out locking Catweazle in.
Catweazle alone now picks up telephone receiver,
C " now the telling bone is mine"
With his witch knife he cuts cord and hides receiver in robe.

 

Carrot goes over to the window and raps on the glass,  Catweazle comes over.

Ct (points) " lift it up, the window,...there "
Catweazle hasn't a clue, Carrot makes a lifting gesture with hands, Catweazle flaps arms.
Ct " no..no..hold that sill ....now lift up"
Catweazle does this the window raises, Catweazle climbs out.
Ct " come on.."
Meanwhile,
Mrs W " he's mad you say"
VP " great scott....."
Mrs W " what's the matter?"
VP " I've locked him in there with Shirley Temple "
The vicar runs back in, Mrs Woodyard can't make head nor tail of this and heads back to car

Carrot hides Catweazle on floor of car at the back covered with a blanket.
Ct " stay there, and stay quiet "
Sam returns,
S " where's mother?"
Ct " she woke up and wanted to know where you were"
S " what did you tell her?"
Ct " the vicarage "
S " why did you want to tell her that for"
Ct " sounds better than the pub"
Mrs Woodyard returns,
Mrs W " what have you been up to?"
S " nothing mother "
Mrs W " somebody is telling lies, I haven't got to the bottom of it yet but I will."
Carrot knows his father will be here soon so,
Ct " can we go back a different way?"
S " good idea Carrot, fingers crossed "
Ct " they're crossed "
The car starts up okay.
A few minutes after they've gone, George Bennett arrives in his jeep, Potts returns to front door puzzled, no Mrs Woodyard, and no Catweazle inside either. George comes up path.
VP " he's gone"
G " the man you phoned me about "
VP " oh you're Bennett, yes, he just vanished, do come in"
They go into main room,
G " what was he like?"
VP " peculiar very peculiar, quite mad, mad as a march hare. I wonder if this woman was part of a plot to get me out of the vicarage...( shocked)....the monthly offering "
G " vicar if you could explain what you're on about "
VP " of course that's why she came, to give him an opportunity to make his getaway "
Potts opens the safe, even more puzzled,
VP " no...everything seems to be intact...we must call the police "
He goes to pick up phone, no receiver, just the cord.
VP " he's taken it with him"

Sam's car didn't make it back , it's broken down, Sam is underneath making repairs, Mrs Woodyard asleep again, Carrot opens door quietly and ushers Catweazle out.
Catweazle runs off into woods.
S( voice from under car) " this run seems to have done you some good Carrot "
Ct " it has?"
S " you seem back to your old self"
Catweazle arrives at a clearing in woods, takes out phone receiver and stares in wonder, then off to home, up ladder and climbs down into Castle Saburac his water tank home, he sits contemplating recent events, Touchwood his toad next to him on a crate.
C " ah Touchwood it's hard to learn all the mysteries, I went sideways not back....mayhap one day we shall return to our own time "
He takes telephone receiver, places it on ear.
C " come telling bone whisper to me all the magic of this strange time. Are you there spirits....are you there?"
 

THE END

Not much to offer concerning Catweazle. Never watched it. Probably because, if memory serves, it was screened on Sundays. All my children's TV viewing was weekday teatimes. Sunday was family visits day. Only broadcast diversion I was able to regularly indulge in on the day of rest was the top 30 rundown on Radio 1.

I did have a vague image of the Catweazle protagonist and, for reasons unknown, conflated him with H.R. Pufnstuf. Maybe thought they were a pair of hippies, puffing on something or other.

17 minutes ago, unapologetic pedant said:

Not much to offer concerning Catweazle. Never watched it. Probably because, if memory serves, it was screened on Sundays. All my children's TV viewing was weekday teatimes. Sunday was family visits day. Only broadcast diversion I was able to regularly indulge in on the day of rest was the top 30 rundown on Radio 1.

I did have a vague image of the Catweazle protagonist and, for reasons unknown, conflated him with H.R. Pufnstuf. Maybe thought they were a pair of hippies, puffing on something or other.

Hope you read the thread and enjoy it, 7 episodes down 19 to go. I love it, obviously not for the same reason as when I first watched it, but because of the writing and humour, and the way our complicated tech is described by Catweazle in his own terms.

S1 E8- THE POWER OF ADAMCOS

Catweazle is in the woods, crouching down sharpening his knife Adamcos on a stone,satisfied he stands.
CW " now Adamcos even thistledown will fall to thy blade."
He puts blade back in its sheath around his neck. Then picks up a telephone receiver he acquired recently at the local vicarage (ep 7), he cut the cable not of course understanding how it works.
CW " oh great Mother Tannit, I invoke thee, come magic telling bone summon the voices"
He puts receiver up to ear.

CW " are you there spirits, are you there. Nothing works.....spirits I charge thee, speak to Catweazle Master of the secret path."
Suddenly he hears a male voice,
Voice "thou shall die Norman dog."
Catweazle spins round, the voice is coming from a little way away in the woods.
He runs and stops in amazement , two armoured soldiers are sword fighting, an ancient Brit and a Norman. Catweazle flees in terror, not noticing Adamcos has fallen from his neck.


The soldiers stop,
Andrew, " easy Fred you almost had my fingers then."
F " I'm sorry."
A few yards behind them is Hexwood farmhand Sam at his vintage car.
S " stop fooling around, come over here and give us a hand."
A " what's wrong then?"
S " can't work it out"
F " we're going to be late for the rehearsal."


Catweazle has arrived back in the clearing where his water tank home Castle Saburac is located.
CW (anguished) " my brain burns! Where am I? The past and present are one "

Andrew is using the crank handle trying to get Sam's vintage car going,
S " no I reckon she's had it."
A " what are we going to do?"
S " walk I suppose."
A " what! Five miles!"

Carrot arrives at Castle Saburac and sees Catweazle climbing down into it.
Catweazle inside takes telephone receiver from robe pocket,
CW " cursed telling bone thou has brought Normans to torment me."
He throws receiver away in disgust, then hears Carrot climbing up ladder,
CW " someone comes, tis the boy, hurry Nettleface lest the Normans see thee "
Carrot is puzzled as he climbs into tank.
C" what d'you say?"
CW " they are all around us "
C " who are?"
CW " the Normans, thy telling bone has conjured them."
C " don't start that again, listen Catweazle for once and for all, you're in the 20th century."
CW " but I saw Normans I swear it."
C " you couldn't have"
CW " I swear it by Adamcos."
Catweazle reaches for his knife, but it's gone. He wails and simpers,
C " what's wrong?"
CW " Adamcos it's gone!!"
C " you probably dropped it somewhere."
CW ( anguished) "does thou not know, does thou not understand, without Adamcos I shall die!"
C " what?!"
CW " it holds the power of life, already my blood turns cold."
C" that's because you haven't enough on."
CW " by sunset I shall be no more."
C "never heard anything so daft. Where did you have it last?"
CW " where I saw Normans."
C " alright c'mon let's go and find it."
CW " what about the Normans?"
C " if you say that word once more I'll crown you."
CW ( amused) " crown me?"
Carrot climbs up ladder to hatch,
C "come on."

S " let's get her off the road, c'mon push."

Carrot and Catweazle are searching the woods where Catweazle thinks he dropped Adamcos.
C " sure it's here?"
CW " aye brother."
They hear voices and run towards them, and see Sam and mates pushing car.
C" they're not Normans, can't you see, look it's Sam. They're rehearsing for the show."
CW " show?"
C" Westbourne Through The Ages, it's an historical pageant, they do it every year for the hospital. Dad's on the committee and..."
Carrot suddenly sees Adamcos lying on the grass, they move towards it, but then see George Bennett, Carrot's dad walking on the path towards them, they hide behind bushes.

George stops, sees knife and picks it up and heads towards Sam.
CW " Adamcos, I shall die."
C " sssshhhh"
CW " I'm cold, I am undone."
Sam sees George,
S "hello Boss."
G " I thought it was you, what's the trouble?"
S " she's packed up altogether, don't know what's the matter with her."
G " died of old age probably."
Andrew and Frank giggle,
G " you better walk back to the farm with me and I'll run you into Westbourne."
S " thanks very much."
G " Carrot's supposed to go and number all the seats. You haven't seen him I suppose?"
S " no I haven't."
George takes Adamcos out of his pocket,
G " oh does this belong to any of you?"
S " not mine."
G " I found it on the path, wonder how it got there. Funny looking thing, you know that might be quite valuable."

Carrot and Catweazle come out of the bushes and quietly follow everyone back to the farm.
At the farm yard Sam, Andrew and Frank all in Norman armour get in the jeep. George quickly goes into the house.
Carrot and Catweazle hide behind barn,
C " soon as they've gone we'll pop in and get it, said it'll be easy."


George comes out,
G " well he's not in the house, never known such a boy for disappearing."
S " he might be already there."
G " that'll be too much to hope for."
George gets behind wheel, and the jeep drives off.

 

 

Carrot and Catweazle run into house into kitchen. Catweazle looks in sink.
C " it won't be there"
They go into sitting room and start searching, on the mantelpiece, on the settee, Carrot runs out into hall.
Catweazle takes Touchwood out of his pocket.

CW "come Touchwood lead me to Adamcos."
Catweazle turns in a circle , suddenly Touchwood starts croaking,
CW " ah, thou noble beast."
More croaking, and it's getting louder as Catweazle moved towards sideboard, and louder still as Catweazle reaches sideboard. On top of sideboard is an ornament, a bronze toad!
CW " thou lovesick loon!"


Carrot comes back in,
C" no its nowhere out there."
Catweazle falls to his knees,
CW "oh what is to become of me"
C " don't start that again, you only think you're ill."
CW " maggot!"
C " there's nothing wrong with you, GET UP!"
CW " already my blood turns to ice."
C" have some brandy."
Carrot gets a bottle out of cupboard and pours a full glass for Catweazle.
CW " tis a magic potion?"
C " oh yes...drink it down fast, it'll warm you up"
Catweazle downs it, then grasps his neck,
CW " aaarrghhh.....ooohhh.."
C " don't make such a fuss."
CW " I BURN I BURN."
C " told you it'd do the trick."
CW " thou white legged worm"
C " that's more like it "
CW " bow legged beetle."
C " anything else?"
CW " thou trash mongering double tongued swaggering hoofsnuff "
C( laughing) " ten out of ten, feeling better now?"
Catweazle still anguished,
CW " where is Adamcos?"
C " wish I knew"
CW " I am doomed."
C" have some more brandy."
CW " you are a demon sent from hell to plague me"
C ( a bit hurt) " no I'm not, look can't you see I'm only trying to help you. Can't you see that?"
Catweazle acknowledges it with a nod,
C " we'll get Adamcos back I promise."
CW " before sunset?"
C " oh where's he put it? C'mon Catweazle you're meant to be the magician."
CW " I know not"
C " maybe we're wasting our time."
CW " what sayest thou?
C " maybe it isn't here at all."
CW " NOT HERE!?"
C "perhaps Dad's taken it with him to Westbourne."
CW " then we must follow him."
C " but he wouldn't do that unless...."
CW " unless?"
C " unless he's going to sell it!"

In Westbourne George has arrived at Leslie Milton antiques shop. As George enters Milton is on phone, he is responsible for the costumes for the pageant.
M ( phone) " no love, I'm in a terrible tizz, it's the dress rehearsal for Robin......Hood you fool, look I can't sit here chatting any longer I'll see you next Tuesday, bye"
Milton can be described as " artistic", "flowery" or in other words effeminate.
M ( to George) " and I said last year I'd never do it again. 45 costumes Mr Bennett, well it's ludicrous isn't it. Have you been up there yet?"
G " just dropped Sam and the others, I must say it looks pretty chaotic, but I'm sure they'll sort it out eventually. How are you getting on?"
M " I finished the last one at 3 o'clock this morning, except for bits and bobs and poppers...I'm dead."
Milton picks up a costume, a dress and holds it against George's front.
M " hold this a sec"
There's a free standing wooden framed mirror in the shop, they both look at George's reflection, holding the dress.
M " what d'you think?"
G " who's this for?"
M " Mrs Thomas....Maid Marion, she's got a nerve, she had 8 fittings, I thought I'd go berserk."

G " Sam is wearing his already."
M " well I told the soldiers to come dressed, I mean 30 men dressing in that tent would be like the black hole of Calcutta."
G " very wise"
M ( laughing) " hey, do you remember last year, Carmen, I didn't know where to look."

George laughs and brings out of his pocket Adamcos.
G " got something to show you"
M " oh yes, where d'you get that?"
G " found it, is it worth anything d'you think?"

M " I wouldn't know, I'm more China and glass, shouldn't think so, why d'you want to sell it?"
G " erm..no you can have it"
M "oh how kind"
G " it's just that I wouldn't want Carrot to get hold of a thing like that."
M " oh, I've still got that decanter you wanted"
G " well I can't really afford it right now."
M " never mind , ( points) I'll keep it hidden behind there.
Milton is pointing to an Egyptian sarcophagus standing upright in the shop.
M " bought it in a moment of madness, never be able to get rid of it, gives me the creeps."
The phone rings,
M " yes....I sent one lot up an hour ago...no Friar Tuck's got his own sandals...yes as soon as I can, bye. Are you busy Mr B?"
G " well I...."
M " be ever so grateful if you could give me a hand packing these."
There's a huge pile of costumes ready to go into wicker baskets, George starts putting them in.

Carrot and Catweazle after failing to get a lift in a car, Catweazle standing with Carrot thumbing a lift put drivers off, the two slowly walk down a country lane towards Westbourne.
C" Dad must have taken it there, Mr Milton is the antique dealer, it's the obvious place"
CW " I die if we find it not."
C " I'll never forgive you if you do."

Back at the shop, another basket ready full of costumes.
M "there, that's another one ready to go."
G ( checking watch) " so must I "
M " oo, I'm awful aren't I, have I held you up?"
G " no, but I think I better get back to see if the Chairman's arrived, cheerio Leslie "
M " cheerio Mr B, thanks for the old dagger."
George leaves, Milton a puzzled look as he scans shop,
M " now where did I put that wimple?"

George drives off and Catweazle and Carrot watch him go then walk to shop door, and see a " closed" sign.
C " it's closed."
CW " Adamcos lies within?"
C " if Dad's sold it , it must be"
CW ( points at sign) " tis a spell?"
C " no it just means that we can't get in."
CW " mayhap a word of power?"
C " what we need is a key."
CW ( raises arms) " o door, yield unto me"
C ( laughing) " fine burglar you'd make."
CW " taunt me not Nettleface."
C " look Catweazle don't you understand....."
Carrot leans on door, it opens,
C " how did you do that!?"
Catweazle just grins, they enter shop.
C " now whatever you do, keep quiet."
Catweazle follows Carrot into shop full of antiques and other oddments, he is alarmed at seeing a large stuffed Heron, he backs away and almost knocks a vase over.
C " don't break anything"
Footsteps are heard, Carrot quickly hides Catweazle, has him crouching down behind one of the wicker baskets.
Mr Milton comes in from back room, clutching a ledger to his chest.
M " hello there Carrot."
C " hello Mr Milton."
M " you just missed your Dad."
C " I thought you were closed."
M " I put the sign up to discourage customers, I've been so busy with all this you see. Would you like to help?"
C " er yes"
M " ever so grateful if you could stay and mind the phone. I've got one go out and get a few bits "
C " yes I'd be glad to."
M " thanks ever so much, back soon."
Milton leaves shop, now carries his ledger under arm, revealing Adamcos, around his neck.

Catweazle comes put of hiding,
CW " where is Adamcos?"
C " give us a chance"
Catweazle suddenly sees himself in mirror ,
CW" my death draweth near, see"
C" no you fool, it's you, it's a mirror."
CW " I?"
Catweazle studies his reflection, curious, touches mirror, pulls a face, looks behind mirror puzzled, he can't understand it, then drops to his knees.
C " what's the matter?"
CW " I tell you there's ice in my bones"
C" don't be beaten, we've hours to find Adamcos."
Carrot picks up a white onesie type undergarment on sale here,
C" here, this will take the ice out of your bones."
CW " aaarrghhh, a skin man"
C " what, with buttons? It's okay Mr Milton won't mind, I'll pay for it later."

Sam and George arrive back at the shop, jeep parked outside shop.

Inside Catweazle is in his onesie staring at the mirror. Carrot sees the others coming in and quickly opens an empty basket.
C " get in quick"
Catweazle climbs in as George and Sam enter,
G " there you are"
S " hello Carrot"
C " Dad , Sam"
G " weren't you supposed to be numbering all the seats?"
C " I'm minding the phone for Mr Milton"
G " well where's he gone? They're screaming for the rest of the costumes"
Sam tries to pick up the basket with Catweazle inside it.
S " I think they got suits of armour in this one"
George points to another basket,
G " yes, well let's get this one out of the way first."
S " right"
They lift the basket and carry it out to vehicle.
Carrot opens basket,
C " out you come "
CW " nay"
C " you've got to, they'll be back in a second they'll take this."
CW " I care not"
C " well I do"
Carrot heaves him out,
CW " where is Adamcos?"
Carrot opens the sarcophagus and pushes Catweazle inside, as George and Sam return. Sam goes over to the basket Catweazle just got out of expecting it to be heavy.
S " ready boss?"
G " yes, ....lift"
The basket, light as anything almost hurtles out of their hands.
George opens it,
G " it's empty!"
S " b..b..but"
George points to one remaining basket,
G " just this one then."
Sam still puzzled at what just happened picks up his end and they carry it out.
G " now when Mr Milton gets back Carrot you come over to Westbourne House."
C " yes Dad."
After they've gone Carrot goes up to Sarcophagus,


C " you can come out now"
CW ( faint from inside) " I can't"
C " well push you idiot "
CW " I am pushing."
C " you have to speak up"
CW " I'm pushing Nettleface, it will not open"
C" hang on"
CW " it will not open bugweed"
Catweazle pushes more and the whole sarcophagus topples over onto its back.
At that point Mr Milton comes back in

M " what's been happening?"
Carrot sees what's around his neck,
C" ADAMCOS "
M " come again?"

Behind Carrot the sarcophagus lid opens with a creak, Catweazle steps out in his white onesie like a mummy, Milton faints.
Carrot takes Adamcos from around his neck as he lies on shop floor.

C" YOU'RE SAVED YOU'RE SAVED!
CW ( jubilant) " ADAMCOS ADAMCOS HA HA"
Catweazle collects his robe and runs out into street. Milton comes round,
M " did you see it?"
C " what?"
M " the thing, the thing from the tomb"
C " I think you've been overworking Mr Milton."
Milton stares shocked but otherwise okay.


Back at Castle Saburac Catweazle and Carrot by a fire as night falls.
CW " I do thank thee my brother"
C " that's alright I said we'd get it back."
CW " nay it is not Adamcos I thank thee for, but my new raiment , the...er...johns"
C " well I said you needed something warm."
CW " truly thy are my brother in magic"
C ( gushing) " ah..shut up, have a banana."
Carrot takes two bananas out of his pocket and hands one to Catweazle, merrily they eat.

Cast;
Catweazle.....Geoffrey Bayldon
Carrot.....Robin Davies
George......Bud Tingwell
Sam.....Neil McCarthy
Milton.....Aubrey Morris

S1 E9 - THE DEMI DEVIL 

Catweazle is in the woods hiding behind a tree, spying a strange sight. A middle-aged man, in a raincoat carrying a shotgun stops in a clearing, checks that nobody is around, then fires into the air.
The man, Colonel Upshaw, then walks off, leaving Catweazle clutching his ears, and wailing, he's gone temporarily deaf, the result of the loud gunshot, panicking he runs off.

Meantime at Hexwood farm, George Bennett enters kitchen,
G " Carrot?"
He goes into dining room to see breakfast crockery and cereal box still on table, in kitchen the sink is piled high with dirty plates and cups.
G " Carrot?"

Sam comes in,
S " you called Boss?"
G " seen Carrot?"
S " no"
G " look at this, he hasn't even cleared the breakfast things away."
S " ought to wash up as you go, my mother says."
G ( sigh) " does she?"
S " afraid that clutch has had it Mr Bennett, I can't get the parts till tomorrow."
G " I'm supposed to drive over to see the Colonel this evening."
S " tell you what I could take you in my car"
G " well...er thank you Sam"
Riding in Sam's old banger not filling George with enthusiasm. He throws a tea towel in Sam's direction.
G" here you dry I'll wash."
They start the washing up.
S " that fox is around, taken another couple of chickens."

In Castle Saburac Carrot awaits Catweazle's return, he looks annoyed, checking his watch, he turns to Touchwood the toad.

C" what's he playing at Touchwood?"
A couple of chickens are here in the water tank too. A noise, Catweazle climbs down into tank, sees Carrot and starts climbing back up.
C" come here....come on. Where have you been?"
CW " thou are a prying ferret."
C " and you're a thieving layabout, what about these chickens"
CW " er....I found them"
C" don't you understand about stealing Catweazle, you'd pinch one of our cows if you could get it up here."
Catweazle goes up to chickens,
CW " idle birds make me an egg."
C "I help you as much as I can, look at all the bananas you've had"
CW " tis true, tis true, but what of thy magic?"
C" how many times do I have to tell you, it's not magic, it's science "
CW ( angry) " men fly through the air and tis not magic!? Thou think me a fool. I WANT THE ELECTRICKERY!"
C" well you can't have it"
CW " I will blast thee"
C( in yokel accent) " go on, blast away."
CW " I WILL TURN YOU INTO A SLUG!"
C " oh don't start"
Carrot starts climbing up ladder and out.
CW " oh you shall SUFFER"
C " so will you if I catch you pinching again, I'll turn you in"
CW " into what?"
C" not into anything, just in."
Carrot goes as Catweazle shouts after him,
CW " SPIDER'S SPITTLE, I will confound thee."

Back at Hexwood Sam and George still washing up,
S " I think he gets a bit bored on these long holidays, he'll be alright when he gets back to school."
G "it's time he started pulling his weight"
Sam holds a dried plate,
S " where shall I put.....( then drops it, smashing it).

G " just dry them Sam, I'll put them away.
S " all the same, I reckon he's a bit lonely."
G " that's his fault, doesn't have to spend all this time alone."
Colonel Upshaw enters, still carrying shotgun.
Up " George"
G " morning Sir"
Up" Woodyard"
S " morning Colonel Upshaw."
Up " awfully sorry to burst in like this, bit of a crisis what."
G " what's wrong?"
Up " dusting my rhinoceros when it happened."
S " eh?!"
Up " quick as a flash, must find him."
S " who?"
Up " boy"
G " boy?"
Up " Boy, my monkey."


In Castle Saburac Catweazle is by a fire, reading from his magic spells book,
CW " take thee a mandrake, bind the root with a witchladder"
He picks up a mandrake root, and a witchladder , a long thin plant reed, and twists reed around mandrake root.
CW ( reading) " saying the while....Rapkyn thy writing is a poor scrawl....saying the while, a hog, a dog, a bat, a cat, a mole, a vole, a pig and a rat, as these knots bind thee tight, be thy now the one I spite. Change thou thy shape."
Outside in the woods nearby is Colonel Upshaw's lost monkey, Boy, eating a banana skin that Catweazle discarded. The monkey is dressed in a blue top and blue jeans! Oh dear...

Colonel Upshaw has been served tea by George, he chats with Sam too as he drinks.
S " you don't suppose that fox could have got him?"
Up "no, too quick, runs like a monkey, ha ha, is a monkey. I thought he might have come down this way you see. Little beggar always running off, dashed annoying."
G " yes it is isn't it"
Up " would have to happen when I've got Wheeler coming down"
G " Wheeler?"
Up " Wheeler, Nathaniel Wheeler, you know the explorer chap. Funny thing, All those years in Africa and our paths never crossed. Mind you big place."
G " yes it is"
Up " what is?"
G "Africa, big place"
Up " you don't have to tell me that George I know, good heavens. Wheeler and I wrote for many years, I'm a great admirer, never thought he'd come down to see me. Where was I?"
G " your monkey "
Up " my monkey? What are you on about, oh my monkey! By George you're right, hang on a minute."
Upshaw takes three bananas out of his raincoat pocket, hands one each to George and Sam,
Up " bait".
Carrot walks in from kitchen back door,
Up " have you seen him?"
C ," who?"
Up " my monkey."
C "no"
G " come here, where have you been?"
Carrot slinks over to George, Upshaw goes to leave,
Up " oh George don't be late tonight, by the way bring Edward "
G " I don't think...."
Up " yes of course, Nathaniel Wheeler's coming Edward."
Up " ready Woodyard?"
S " yes Sir"
Up " come along then."
Upshaw and Sam armed with bananas look for Boy.
C ( excitedly) " Nathaniel Wheeler fantastic."
G " listen Carrot "
C " he's the explorer I've read all his..."
G ( sternly) " I know who he is, I also know you are becoming bone idle. Sam and I can't be expected to do all the housework, get this place cleaned up."
C " can't I come and look for the monkey?"
G " NO"
George leaves ,Carrot dejectedly goes over to the sink to clear up.

In Castle Saburac Catweazle is busy drawing a pentagram on a large piece of paper. He senses something wrong, he turns and sees the monkey! At first afraid,
CW " SHEMPAMPERASH! AVORT THY GOBLIN! What kind of devil art thou?"
The monkey, Boy, picks up one of Catweazle's bananas and unpeels it,
CW ( realising) " art thou....art thou...Touchwood see how strong was my spell, it is our brother!"

Catweazle picks up Boy, laughing now,
CW "aha aha, canst thou speak? ,I warned thee of my power you disbelieving driblet. Thou are a strange beast, but thy still has thy old look, you are but half changed, a demi devil."
Catweazle lets Boy clamber onto his shoulder.

CW " mock me now thy hairy thing, haha, be good to me and I'll change thee back."

Carrot meanwhile is doing a good job at clearing the kitchen mess.

Catweazle is once again at his fire, holding the mandrake root, now unwinding the witchladder reed saying,
CW " as these knots now thee unbind be now once more humankind. Change now thy shape."
He looks at monkey, no change of course.
CW " change thy shape "
Still nothing,
Catweazle picks up Boy,
CW ( desperately) " change thy shape...nothing works.!"

Carrot has just about finished, the kitchen and dining room looks clean and tidy.

Catweazle has placed Boy in a cardboard box and tied it with string.
CW " canst thou breathe my brother? Fear not thou will be changed, come, guard well Touchwood, I take thee to a great magician, he makes thunder with a magic stick, he will change thee."

Upshaw arrives home, a mansion, he enters the drawing room, next to which is a conservatory full of tall potted plants, mostly exotic. The walls dotted with heads of stuffed animals, beasts, the treasures of a big game African hunter/explorer now retired.
Up ( bellows) " COOTE...COOTE....COOTE. "
A middle-aged lady runs in, the housekeeper, rather timid.
Ct " Colonel?"
Up " where's my lunch?"
Ct " been arranging the flowers for our visitor"
Up " can't eat flowers Coote."
Ct " well I thought..."
Up " ah don't think Coote, mustn't think, lunch at thirteen hundred hours, now ten past."
Ct " oh dear, I'll bring it directly."
Up " AT THE DOUBLE COOTE!!"

Upshaw used to barking out orders military style and Coote meekly accepts this. Perhaps he pays her well !!
Coote brings in lunch on a tray, passing the cage where Boy usually is kept. The cage is large, so the monkey has a good run to play in, about 6 feet square.
Ct" oh, you didn't find him?"
Up " no Boy's gone this time, no sign of the little chap"
Ct " he's answered the call of the wild Colonel."
Up " call of the wild? Don't be ridiculous, he was born in Harrods. Oh by the way I've asked Bennett to bring his youngster over this evening thought he'd like to meet Wheeler."
Ct ( smiles)" oh well, I'll make some cakes."
Upshaw looks towards plants in conservatory,
Up " Coote have you watered?"
Ct " oh no.."
Up "not good enough Coote not good enough. Watering twelve thirty hundred hours, look at Fagus Sylvatica, parched positively parched Coote"
Ct " shall I?"
Up " no no fall out! I'll do it take my mind off Boy".

Upshaw goes into conservatory, by the window is a tap, he attaches hosepipe to it, picks up yellow bucket, turns tap on, water running into bucket, and carefully goes over to one of his many beloved plants.
Up " there you are ladies, here's your drink my dears."
Catweazle climbs through window into conservatory, holding box containing Boy. He sees tap, and thinks, what does this do?
He turns tap off, in turn Upshaw at plants is puzzled, where's the water gone. He stares down barrel of hose to see if its blocked, unfortunately Catweazle turns tap back on.
Up ( getting drenched) " COOTE! COOTE! STOP IT."

Upshaw runs to tap and turns it off spraying water everywhere, including drenching Catweazle.
Up " what an earth d'you think you're doing?"
CW " I am Catweazle."
Upshaw wiping his face with a hanky not really listening,
Up " you're Nat Wheeler, my dear chap, you're soaking absolutely soaking. Didn't know it was you, no idea, don't look like your photograph. Wasn't expecting you till later. ( bellows) COOTE COOTE, must find you something to change into."
CW " change into!?"
Coote runs in and gasps at the sight of Catweazle,
Up " ah Coote lay another place, Mr Wheeler has arrived."

At the dining table at Hexwood,
C " please Dad"
G " alright you can come, we'll you've done a pretty good job at cleaning the place up."
C " have you read any of his books?"
G " whose books?"
C " Nathaniel Wheeler."
Carrot gets a book from the sideboard and shows George who reads the title.
G " Up The Congo"

At Upshaw's, Colonel Upshaw is leading Catweazle into dining room, Catweazle wearing white shirt and trousers and a black jacket.
Up " this way, yes as I was saying , an extraordinary thing, the next day the chief ate him for breakfast."
Coote has laid out table for lunch,
Up " ah good, by golly I'm hungry."
Catweazle presents Upshaw with his cardboard box.

Up " for me? You shouldn't have."
CW " take him"
Up " him?"
Upshaw looks in box, then absolutely ecstatic,
Up " IT'S BOY! IT'S BOY"
CW " tis the boy indeed"
Up " how did you find him?"
CW " with a mandrake root."
Up " a mandrake? I always use bananas"
CW " end his misery"
Up" eh?"
Upshaw picks up Boy and puts him in cage, the monkey starts scampering about cage.
CW " I know thou canst, thou has the power. ( points to shotgun propped against wall) boom boom."
Up " there's absolutely nothing wrong with him"
Catweazle stares in at cage, sad as Boy leaps around, poor Carrot!
Up " what makes you think he's not feeling himself? Well come along sit down old chap. Well this is a happy occasion, now to the business of the day."
Catweazle sits at table Upshaw pours two glasses of wine,
Up " there you are, you'll enjoy this, won't we all, well skin off your nose."
Catweazle touches his nose, satisfied no skin has fallen off, Upshaw sniffs at wine in glass.
Up " Château Margot '59"
CW " Château Margot '59"
Up " yes indeed"

Upshaw sips at his, Catweazle downs his in one go, then offers glass indicating he'd like some more.

Up " er yes, I can see you appreciate it."
Upshaw pours another glass, Catweazle downs this too, and wants a third glass, Upshaw reluctantly pours,
Up ( not too pleased) " make yourself at home."
Catweazle downs this too,
Up ( to himself) " been abroad a long time."