Another Joke Thread

I took the wife to Subway the other day. We walked up to the counter and I asked the girl if she could make me a sandwich.

She replied "No problem".

I turned to the wife and said "Now how f***ing difficult was that?"

I was walking through Whitehaven the other day when I saw a bloke wearing only one shoe.

"Hey up marra" I said "Have ya lost yer shoe" ?

"No marra" he replied "I've found yan......"

A woman gets a repairman out to her house when she realises that every time a bus passes by the house, the house shakes and the door on her wardrobe drops off. 

When the repairman arrives, she explains the problem to him. 

"that's strange", he says, "what I'll do is get in the wardrobe and see how the door falls off, it may be a problem from inside that needs sorting".

So the repairman gets into the wardrobe and closes the door. However, the buses in this town are very unreliable and the next one is running very late. 

Suddenly the woman's husband comes home. He shoots upstairs and storms into the bedroom. "what are you doing in here?" he asks. He begins to search the room and eventually comes to the wardrobe.

He pulls the door open and sees the repairman. "what the hell are you doing in here?!" the husband shouts. 

The repairman pauses for a moment while he considers his answer. "Well, believe it or not", he says, "I'm waiting for a bus". 

Breaking news from the German Ladies Football : VFL Wolfsberg sign international player Janina Minge....

Bill and Ben go into a pub and Bill says "Oh blobalob blobalob" and Ben says "No I'll get these in you're too p####d".

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?"

A man went into a brothel in Nottingham. He told the madam that he was desperate but only had £10 and the cash machine had just swallowed is bank card.

She said they only way they could help him if he used one the " old girls" she was partly retired and was mainly used a cleaner.

He was desperate and said he would try her.

The madam took his £10 but warned him that it would be unusual as the girl was deaf and dumb and could only communicate with signs.

"Fair enough lead mo to her " he said.

He was soon in action and to his surprise he was put off when she reached under the bed and hit him on his head with a tin tray

He shrugged it off and carried on only for her to do it again.

Once again he carried on but. When she again again reached under the bed only to strike him on the head by a rubber duck.

That was too much for him. He and stormed out.

The madam asked whaton earth was up?

He related to story and she laughed.

 " I told you she could only communicate by signs and she was just telling him there was a problem. Probably because she was old and had been well used down the years"

W

" what was the message " he asked

" twice  she hit you head with a tin tray, then she hit you with a rubber duck."

It's obvious she was telling you

Tin Tin me duck..... you must have missed the hole

Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge, and I flirted with a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night, and when the bartender complained we ###### on him.”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.

The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to flirt with a dancer on stage and ###### on the bartender - but they beat the out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"

The grandfather asks, "Well, who the hell did you go with?"

The grandson says, "My friends from school. Who did you go with?"

The grandfather says, "Well... with the 2nd SS Panzer Division."

A priest was arguing with a rabbi.

"What is great in our religion", says the priest, "is there is room for advancement.

A humble village priest can become a bishop, an archbishop, a cardinal, who knows, maybe even the Pope!"

The rabbi answers: "What about the Almighty? Can he become the Almighty?"

"Certainly not!", responds the priest, "What a sacrilegious thought! No mere mortal man can aspire to become the Almighty!"

The rabbi retorts, "One of our boys made it."

I have just won the most secretive person in Britain award - I  cant tell you how much it means to me 

With the introduction of female referees for the first time in the Premier league players have been warned they may get booked for fouls they commited years ago and had completely forgotten about.